What My Dog Taught Me About Self-Esteem

My dog might not be the worst dog in the world, but she’s certainly not the best. We got her in December of 2018, almost exactly a year after our beloved first dog died at the age of 10. When my husband and I decided that we were ready for a new dog, we allowed our two boys to pick one out. Of course, we got final approval, but we wanted to let our boys experience the joy of choosing a new member of our family. You see, I am a dog lover, and I knew that whatever pup we brought home would find a way to fit into our family and into our hearts. It really didn’t matter that much to me what type of dog we got. As the months have gone by, this sweet pup has chewed up shoes, made messes, chewed up kids’ toys, dug holes, stolen food off tables, whined, begged, and begs for food.

Even with all of that, I do, indeed, love her, just as the rest of the family does, just as I knew we would. Loving this dog has taught me a great deal about inherent worth and what it takes to make a choice to love. Brené Brown says that “worthiness is our birthright”. It’s the kind of thing that makes sense when you hear it, especially when such a skilled orator and writer as Brené delivers it, but putting it into practice can be a bit harder. What I have figure out is that you are worthy no matter what. That just by being you, you are valuable, even if you never perform or produce a single thing in your life. Oddly enough, loving my extraordinarily flawed dog has taught me more about this than any expert really could.

I’ve spent most of my life following the rules, pleasing others, striving for excellence, and focusing on acts of service. I am a person who likes to produce. It makes me feel accomplished, content, and valuable. There’s nothing really wrong with that except for one rather large, rather unfortunate side effect. When I’m not producing, pleasing, performing, or perfecting, my self-esteem can take a bit of a hit, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one in this boat.

That’s where my pup comes into play. As I’ve been turning over Brené’s work in my head, sharing it with clients, and trying to build self-esteem with my clients, I had this epiphany that made everything so much more clear! If I can love a dog absolutely unconditionally who drives me crazy (at times) and never produces a darn thing, why should I ever have any difficulty loving myself?

I don’t require that my dog to behave in a certain way to love her. I don’t require that she come every time that she is called or to always lay in her spot during dinner. I don’t require performance or perfection from her, so why should I require that of myself?

Here's what I realized is the big difference. When we brought our pup into our home, we made a choice. A commitment. We knew that she would not be perfectly trained and that she would not be the best dog in the world by conventional dog standards. It didn’t matter. We made a choice. We said, we will welcome this dog into our family, and we will love her no matter what.

The cool thing about this is that we can make a choice about loving just about anyone or anything. Think about that sports team that is always disappointing you. Do you stop loving them because they lose? Probably not. You probably say things like ‘it will be better next season…we’ve got a bunch of great recruits in the wings…we’ll come out on top next time!’ The reason that we do that is that we have made a choice. We love our sports team unconditionally. They can lose, and they can win, and we will be there to cheer them on either way.

Have you EVER been able to extend the same unconditional love to yourself? Are you able to fail and to say to yourself ‘that’s okay, I’ll do better next time?’ Do you really mean that? Are you able to make the decision to love yourself just as strongly as you do the closest people in your life, the pets, and your beloved sports teams/actors/film franchises/authors? If they deserve your unconditional love, then you certainly do, too!

Loving people unconditionally does not mean that you don’t set boundaries or enforce consequences. What it means, is that the consequence is never the withdrawal of love. Of course, there are certain lines that can’t be crossed, such as any form of violence. But, absent those extreme circumstances, I choose to love and respect the people in my life. They screw up, and I still love them. I don’t start to think less of them. I don’t question whether they belong in my life or not. Just imagine if we could make that same sweeping decision about our own selves. Just imagine if we could really, truly believe that we were worthy no matter what. If we could let go of our need to please, perform, and perfect. How freeing would that be? Our worth is not connected to a number on the scale, items checked off a list, or a number in the bank. It just isn’t, but many of us have been telling ourselves that it is.

What I want you to get from all of this is that it is possible to make a grand decision, to decide to love yourself, another human, and even a pet. Once you make this decision and really mean it, really feel it in your bones, the magic starts to happen. You start to forgive the little things. You sleep better. You stop worrying about what others think of you, stop trying to be perfect. You are able to start getting to know who you really are without all of the acts of service. You start to realize that your worth is more about who you are and less about what you do. You are so much more than the sum of your achievements!  So what if I’ve gained a few pounds, skip a workout, forget to return a call, spend too much time on screens?

If I can forgive my dog when she chews up a perfectly good shoe, I can certainly do that for myself as well! I can forgive my dog without resentment or holding a grudge. She doesn’t get labeled as a “bad dog”. I know that I can extend myself the same grace. And, the truth of the matter, is that people don’t improve behavior or get better in any way as a result of resentment or a grudge. I can’t expect that I’m going to say terrible things about myself and then suddenly start feeling or acting better.

So get out of the trap of doing that to your own self!

Make that decision today. Choose to value yourself because you are you. Dr. Seuss tells us “Today you are you, that is truer than true, there is no one alive who is youer than you”. Embrace your imperfections. Give yourself some grace. Believe in your inherent worthiness. It is your birthright.