The Holidays are Coming

Having worked with clients with mental health or medical problems for around 20 years, I can tell you that something starts to happen to people in the late summer and early fall of every year. They start thinking about “the holidays”. They start thinking about all of the ways these days of the year have gone wrong or gone right, and they start putting enormous pressure on themselves.

Some people start worrying about all of the things they’ve got to do. They start thinking about cooking and cleaning and buying and hosting and every other thing that “has” to be done this time of the year.

Others start dreading how they will handle “the holidays” for an entirely different reason. Perhaps they don’t have family. Perhaps the family they have doesn’t accept them. Perhaps they’re grieving. Perhaps they have a family member overseas. There are a great many of reasons why some people don't consider this to be "the most wonderful time of the year".

I once worked with a gentleman living in a nursing home who had a great deal of anxiety and limited mobility. It was actually hot outside this one day in early September, maybe even late August, and he started lamenting to me that he wasn’t sure what he was going to do for “the holidays”. Honestly, I was quite taken aback because at first I didn’t even know what he meant. There weren’t any holidays on my radar yet, and I just wasn’t sure what he was worried about.

I’ll admit that I accidentally judged this man. It seemed completely nonsensical that anyone would worry about the holiday season as early as late summer. I didn’t mean to judge. I just couldn’t comprehend what he was worried about, and after all, I was there to help treat this gentleman for his anxiety. Well, treat him I did, and I learned that he hadn’t been taken out of his facility for any holiday in years. He craved that family time, and having never married or had children, his only family was his sister and her family. They weren’t on bad terms, but it was clear that it wasn’t her priority to care for him outside of the facility. Her home wasn’t handicapped accessible, and she wasn’t in the best shape physically to be able to care for him in that way. He was worried about the holiday season for good reason.

When I took the time to understand what his concerns were, I was able to listen to him, to validate him, and to help celebrate the fall and winter holidays within his reality.

And he did! His sister was able to visit him. Not on Christmas day, but she came in the month of December and celebrated with him. The truth is that he was probably only able to get what he wanted because he started thinking about his need so early. He had time to think about his goals, discuss acceptable alternatives, and to assert himself to get what he needed. Though I didn't continue working with him by the next holiday season, I’d like to think that he and his sister were able to use that experience to make a new tradition in the years that followed.

So, here’s what I want to say to you. Please take a minute and, without judgment, look at your holiday situation.

• Is there a problem that needs to be solved? If so, please allow yourself the time and space to identify the problem and start brainstorming possible solutions. Write them all down without judgment. After you’ve gotten several possible options, cross off the ones that are least likely to work and try one of the ones that are left. If it worked, great! If not, go to your next idea on your list. Ask for help in brainstorming if you need to!
• What might help enhance your holiday experience? More help? Fewer commitments? More time for self-care? Creating a stress-free holiday tradition, such as family reading time or family movie time? Cutting back on spending? Not being afraid to ask for what you really want from others? Volunteering? Contributing to a charity? Limiting the number of gifts exchanged? Random acts of kindness? Not worrying about whether the Elf gets moved every night? More family? Less family? More friends? Skipping the work party? Hosting the work party? Shutting down your Pinterst account? Doing every dang craft project you can? Write down anything that might make your holiday experience more meaningful or more enjoyable. Don’t be afraid to be uniquely you!
• Finally, write down all that you have to be grateful in this holiday season. This experience with this gentleman in the nursing home made me realize just how fortunate I have been in my life. In all of my years, I’ve never had to wonder if I was going to get to spend any holiday alone. Having people around me who love me and always having a place to go for the holidays are just the beginning of my blessings. Things aren’t always perfect…in fact, they are never perfect. At every family gathering I have ever attended, something has gone wrong. Someone gets their feelings hurt. Children get over-tired and cranky. Food doesn’t turn out just right. Messes get made. But none of that really matters. Take the time you need to make meaning out of this holiday season and to find ways to be grateful. When you make a conscious effort to practice gratitude, you’ll find those grateful moments dominating your memories of the season, much more so than all of the little (or big) things that went wrong.

So, whatever and however you celebrate this holiday season, I wish you the gifts of gratitude, perspective, assertiveness, and hope. This can be your best holiday yet, and the good news is that the amount of money spent has nothing to do with that! It has everything to do with your mindset and how you choose to show up. Enjoy this season in a way that is authentic and meaningful to you!

And maybe, just maybe, you won't dread "the holidays" next year!