It's Time to Put Down Your Rocks

When we are born, we start out with a relatively blank slate. On the day of our birth, not much has happened to us. Not all births are peaceful, of course, but in most cases we are able to be born without any ill will directed at us. As we grow, however, stuff starts to happen.

Even in the healthiest of families, it is impossible to meet every single need and desire of everyone in that family. Chores are assigned, vegetables have to be eaten, knock off brands of clothing is purchased, feelings are hurt, permissions are denied, and more and more disappointments and even intense harm and abuse can occur throughout our lives.

How do we handle that?

In some cases, we forgive, are able to see it from the other person's point of view, and we let it go. This is certainly much easier to do when the other person's point of view was actually valid. For example, it makes sense that you would have to do chores. No one really likes it, but as long as everyone has chores in the family, so why should we be exempt? When we think about our disappointments in this way, we can the hurt go, and we put it down.

In other cases, we hold on to the hurt.

There are many reasons that we might hold on to that hurt. Perhaps what happened to us, was unforgiveable. Perhaps we think that this hurt was not fair and should never have happened to us. We may think that a suitable "punishment" for the person who hurt us is to continue to carry the hurt around with us.

Each time something like this happens, it's like we've picked up a rock and elected to carry it around with us indefinitely and maybe even for the rest of our lives.

Note, we didn't give a rock to the person who hurt us -- we are carrying it around ourselves.

There's a whole lot that starts to happen as we start to carry that rock:

1. Our thinking changes. We start to think negative things about the event, the person who did the thing, and even about ourselves, such as:
   • This isn't fair.
   • This shouldn't have happened to me.
   • Nothing ever works out for me.
   • Everyone leaves.
   • It's all my fault. I deserved this. I'm not worthy.
   • The person who hurt me is awful. They aren't worth the air they breath.
   • Please note: these thoughts are not always true. Don't believe everything that you think! It's possible that there is a grain of truth to these thoughts, but if you find yourself thinking in absolutes, there's a good chance that the thought is not 100% true. 
2. Our behaviors change.
   • We might start acting out...yelling, hitting, breaking things.
   • We may "self-sabotage" in ways including failing to take care of ourselves (poor sleep, hygiene, poor nutrition, overuse of drugs or alcohol, overspending, or not taking medications as prescribed) or to meet our commitments (such as school, work, or home care).
   • We may avoid connections or attachments with people.
3. Our feelings change.
   • We may start to feel Shame, Anger, Sadness, Depression, Worry, Irritable, Envy, and frequent Frustration

The longer we carry these rocks, the more pronounced these changes will be.

And, what's worse, we become more prone to carrying more rocks! Every actual or perceived slight/hurt/disappointment becomes one more rock. Get asked to do an extra shift at work? Didn't get the promotion/job you wanted? Have to wait too long at the doctor's office? Your friends went out without you? Your significant other didn't want to do what you wanted to do or didn't approve of you? These are all potential rocks to carry around.

Before you know it, you are completely overloaded with rocks. It's hard to walk around. It's hard to do life the way you want. 

It's time to put down your rocks.

You know this. You know you can keep carrying all of this around, so how do we do this?

First, don't worry too much about which rock to put down first. They all need to be put down. There's not a wrong one to start with. It's just important to start.

Next, the way we put these rocks down is through our thinking, actions, and feelings:

1. Helpful Thoughts to Put Down Your Rocks:
   • These rocks aren't serving me. I can start letting these hurts go.
   • I am worthy of feeling light and unencumbered.
   • Bad things happen to all people, not just me.
   • I can choose to forgive so I can be set free.
   • I can forgive and still hold healthy boundaries.
   • Things do work out for me some of the time.
   • People are doing the best they can, and as Dr. Maya Angelou teaches, when we know better, we can do better.
   • __________________________________________________
   • __________________________________________________
2. Helpful Behaviors to Put Down Your Rocks:
   • Make an effort to see what happened to you from the other person's point of view.
   • Practice forgiveness. Write a letter (you may or may not send it) of forgiveness and get intentional about letting hurts go.
   • Practice relaxation exercises, such as listening to music, meditation, exercise, paced breathing, and other.
   • Practice appropriate self care: balance sleep, balance eating, exercise, maintain hygiene, take care of physical illness including taking medication as prescribed.
   • Show up for your commitments with your work, home, family, and community.
   • Set boundaries with your close people. Let them know what's okay and not okay with you. If they don't know where your boundaries are, they are much more likely to cross them.
   • Allow vulnerability with 1-2 of your closest people.
   • Talk about this with your Therapist. It's possible that your hurts have been traumatic and that your "rocks" have resulted in a Post-Traumatic response. A Licensed Therapist can talk with you about this and recommend a treatment approach.
3. Helpful Feelings
   • Feelings tend to change on their own when you work on changing your thinking and behaviors. 
   • Focus on the notion of "hope". If you believe and hope that it is possible to put down your rocks, it is so much more likely to happen.

There are more things that can help, but this is a start. Take a deep breath, and imagine what it will be like when you're no longer carrying around an overflowing armful of heavy, dirty, sharp rocks. Even if you can only put a few rocks down at a time, that will be a relief, right? 

You are worthy of moving through this world unencumbered. You are worthy of love and connection. You are worthy of safety and peace. You are worthy of help to put down your rocks. 

If you desire a free consultation for Therapy, reach out to [email protected] or call 678-332-7955.